Life Alive

The greatest new feeling is feeling totally and completely high by just being. Just breathing. Feeling every part of your body. Your tongue, lips, finger tips. Lift the weight from you forehead. Feeling an overwhelming amount of sensation, by just, breathing. Wonders that keep me going.

Life is so grand. And full of choices. My step father used to tell me that is was a CHOICE to be angry, upset, or happy, etc. And I disagreed with him completely, until I put it to the test. And I must say I feel and even greater amount of gratification when I have made my own happiness. There are times when human instinct, and my conditioned desire for instant gratification come between me and my goal of self acquired happiness, but I believe that is a bit to be expected. 

My new book I am reading, Keeping Life Simple, is very helpful, and I agree very much with most of it, and I will have more to come on that. But now I must prioritize and go to bed! 

Water over Wine?

Summer has officially slipped into my blood stream. Incubus on repeat. Getting new CDs for the car. Santana, The Who, Led, Incubus, some new metal... Just preparing myself. Getting ready for intense summer enjoyment. Cowboy boots soon. New tank tops, a bottle of tanning lotion, and I will be almost ready for this. 

A part of me remembers those all day concert events, and part of me knows how much money I will be losing on one of those days, for just one or two bands I like. We'll see... The Used really does own a part of me... 

The weather for tomorrow looks dreary, along with my Horoscope, but I WILL not let that stand in my way. The Creator gave us Free Will for a reason, ad I intend on using it to the fullest of its abilities tomorrow. Plus, I have a new beginning tomorrow, a "NEW DAY", let's see what the promise of a "NEW DAY" can bring.

Hunger

I am starving right now. All I can think about is the food in my lunch bag. But I am too embarrassed to eat, because I am in a room full of strangers. And isn't that how life works. Everyone has a hunger for something, but most of the time we are too afraid to consume what we want.

That leads me to another thought. Today in Abnormal we watched a video on pedophilia, and it made me question the words that I preach. I preach a message of love and forgiveness of all people, to not judge other, and to be yourself most of all. Last night I got into a conversation with a coworker about not lieing to yourself, to just be who you are. But where is the line? Where is the balance? I hope that my theory on balance can, well, balance this out. In all, I do believe everyone should be given forgiveness, and I chance to redeem themselves. Although, if I were victim, or spouse of a pedophile, i think I'd be fighting hard to sing this same tune. And how hard is it to not judge someone who is having sexual intercourse with a MONTH old child? It's almost impossible. It's out of most of our range of thoughts. We can't begin to imagine how a baby could sexually arouse you. But it is what these people hunger for. Just as we hunger for some other things, so does that make them so different from us? We just hunger for different things. And to let them just BE themselves, endangers the well being and development of a child's health, and soul. So how can we let these people just BE themselves? We can't. The person must learn to practice a balance. They must understand that, even though they are being themselves, they are imposing on another person's self. Not just their body, but their soul as well. It sickens me to say, but if I was going off my philosophy I'd have to say if a person could find a honestly willing child, who hungered for an adult partner, I could not pass judgement. They balance each other, if they love each other, what is the problem? It's just something our culture is not used to. Our great philosophers of old would be filling the jail cells, and community treatment centers if they lived in our society. But in their culture, taking a young partner was both beneficial to the younger and elder of the couple. So the balance of the situation must be taken into account when "drawing" our line.

This could also be equal in the situation of statutory rape. If the minor truly and honestly LOVES, elder in question, and the elder LOVES the child in return, I see no place to pass judgement. Even though, as humans, it is SO hard to do. Especially when you must base the knowing the couple love each other on faith.

So balance is a thought on my mind today. Along with my hunger.

I am hungry. For so many things. For a new day to come with my music. For knowledge in my chosen career path. For knowledge of myself. For my arm to become a creator of art, the way it used to. I hunger for sunlight, and wind in my hair. I hunger to meet new people, with ideas of their own, I hunger to hear them. I hunger to leave the place that will always be a home to me, and find a new home, of my own. I hunger to walk out one door, and into another. As I will. Right now.

My coworker whom I mentioned previously, called me an optimist last night. He said that was the reason he liked me so much. And fight it as I may, it is who I am. I was shocked. I had never been called an optimist. And it was then I realized how much I have changed through my soul searching, and in my propriospect. I am a dreamer, an investigator, a lover, an artist, and an optimist. I see the good in all things bad, or at least I try to. And I have faith in people, even when sometimes, I should just give up. And in my optimism I have a twist that makes me unique. Just like every one's twists, make them unique. Surprise realizations are always fascinating.

That's all for now folks!

New Beginnings

As most of you have read my little home at Howdershell will be no more in 31 days. But it opens up new opportunities, and new beginnings. Hopefully these new beginnings will start at 5th and Boonslick along side some of my favorite partners, and, from what I hear, some pretty cool "family". Not only will I be barring in a whole new world. A whole new world has been opened up to me. I was hired at the Winery of the Little Hills. I know that this summer will require a lot of patience, but the knowing of how worth it it will be will keep me going.

Also, subscribed to a new blog today. Makes me very happy. And it is a goal of mine to be on the blog someday. =) 

Negatropolis

Everyone is drowning in a pool of unhappiness, except for me. And it hard to watch everyone you know drowning, but that is one pool you don't want to jump into. And I am trying to pull people out, but when there are like so many people, what can you do? I was talking to a newer friend of mine last night, and he has really hit rock bottom of the emotional suck fest. And all I found myself saying was that life is full of choices. You can choose to turn everything around, and make dramatic changes in attempts to turn your life around, you can just try and forget about it, and keep living life exactly the same, or lash out in anger, but no matter what sometimes you just need to bleed. You just need to let yourself show the weakness, and cry. But now I am disagreeing with that. But I could never tell him how I really feel, because sometimes white lies save lives... But really, I am trying to fight my negativity, beat it off with a bat, I'm just not letting it take me over, and its working. So I really think it's about the choice you have. as a soul. As a human, you feel the pain and tries to rap it's arms around you, but your soul can fight it. And I think that is a great exercise for your soul. 

On another note, to lead to more unhappiness in quite a few people's lives... May 22, the close date of what has become something of a second home to me. Starbucks at Howdershell and Dunn. Store 9957, I remember my first times in there as a "Frappuccino drinking freak" and now as a recovering caffeine addict, and as a beloved barista. I will miss the respect that you get from people when you say, "Yeah, I'm a barista at Starbucks." Most of all, I will miss the love hate relationship I have developed for that place. I have learned SO much from that place. And now my time there is done. And even if I transferred to another store, it wouldn't be the same. Chances are I wouldn't be with half the people, who are now my family, whether I like it or not. Today will be a hard day to get through without crying, and May 22nd, it will be inevitable. Much love home of duckies, baby dino's, honey combs, unicorns, "uhns", long talks about sex, and the lack there of in my case, rinsing out poop infested toilet scrubbers, crazy children and devil glitter shoes, window squeegee, whip cream sandwiches, "chicago meat palace" nights, cleaning up spills, being put in the sink, being put out the window, dancing/fighting in the parking lot, my first trip driving in the snow, divorced parents, lindsey/almost lindsey days, Chris, Phyllis, JM, Amanda, Connie, Jamie, Amie, Tina, Rhi, Lori, Lindsey, Horse F***er, and Me-Short Round, Baby Dino, Not Lindsey, ALMOST Lindsey, Turtle Weener, Katie Pants... God I'm gonna miss that place.

Wearing Halos With Those Thoughts Again

I love waking up much earlier than I need to, to just spend the morning perusing the interweb, watching TV, reading, taking a long shower. All great things. 

I was thinking about my recording today, and felt sad for the first time. But it was not right for me. And looking aback I'm glad I didn't do it. It's kind of like giving up my scholarship at SEMO. I knew it wasn't for me, but I did work relatively hard for it, and spent a whole lifetime, building up to that moment, only to turn it down. But it wasn't me, it was not for me. So looking back, I couldn't be more pleased with myself, but there where plenty of times where I felt sad. And now, here I am, on my way to a Psych degree... Change of pace? So who knows what will come of the energy I put towards my music. 

Yesterday I put the down payment on the cabin! I can't wait. It's not to be in Branson that I'm excited about. It's about being away from everything. For five whole nights. Away from work, from school, from this house. But don't worry, there is Wifi, so I won't be away from Blogger... But I will not be on any other networks. I will want to update my thoughts while down there, but not communicate with any one other than the people on the road. I know. It's just a trip to Branson... To go to Silver Dollar City, but not for me. It is my first vacation, that I planned. That I will be paying for. No parents. No little sister (I love them, but it's not the same). And it is the start of my summer. The start to my new life I guess... 

I feel like this whole past year has been a transition period. I needed to learn somethings about life this year, and the all-mighty-item-in-the-sky whispered in my ear, that I needed to stay to find it. I didn't know what it meant then, but looking back, I have learned so much about life thi year. And even though I have struggled so hard with a distance of two people that keep me on solid ground, and struggled to stay sane in a workplace that I have learned so much at, and struggled to keep my grades good, every struggle has taught me something. But now this year is coming to an end, and a new chapter begins... A new life entirely. A new home. A new school, and of course new thoughts and ideas will come. So exciting. I just can't wait for May 19th. This year, will be done. And even though it has taught me so much, so so much, and can't help but to look forward a little starry eyed.

Now is the time in the day when I shower, and read.

END BLOG.

Open Pages

The air today was exceedingly inviting. This morning I took a trip to ol' St. Chuck to apply for my new job opportunity, which turns out to be a place of childhood memories. It was pretty odd being there... Very nostalgic. But then after my trip down Main Street and memory lane, I went shopping. Target, and the BNN. Bought myself two new CDs: Mercy (Rocco DeLuca and the Burden) and Simple Times (Joshua Radin). Then purchased three new books: Living Buddha, Living Christ (Thich Nhat Hanh), Keeping Life Simple (Karen Levine), and Meditation Now or Never (Steve Hagen). All fully satisfying. Then off to my father's. A rather calm experience, unexpected, but pleasant. Kung Fu Panda, always a classic.

Now I sit here and write. I could write about so many things. And I really should, but I also have so much to read. Maybe I will just through in this little thought...

Reading up on Meditation, and how it is supposed to bring you back to the HERE and NOW. But sometimes I just want to slip out of Reality. I understand the importance of the realization of the now, but I also need to do something so that I can escape life for a few mintutes. So I am taking the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) that is used in treatment of some patients suffering from PTSD, and tweaking it a bit, and taking the importance of focus on breathing from meditation. And as in classical EMDR using a rhythmic pattern, rather than using light as the constant rhythm, I use music fitting my mood, or the thought I am trying to stress, or mood I'd like to slip into, and breathing rhythmically also, so I have the focus of breath, sound, and eye movement. We'll see how this goes for me. I will also continue practicing classic meditation, as I do find it is important to stay in touch with Reality. 

"Or should I hold head up high..."

My mother and I talk candidly about our faith on at least a weekly basis, and this week, it brought up so much I have to discuss.

The Box. It is an even vortex that sucks in fundamentalists, and traps them. These people never leave their box, their narrow mind set of rigid rules... I have news for you people in The Box, have you ever thought you might be offending the man you worship? Your Box starts with a book, written by men, whom you have never known, whom you must trust in order to believe. And these men influence other men, who preach rules, and speak condemnations. But look at what your Jesus once preached... LOVE. This man taught to love EVERYONE, and forgive EVERYONE. How can you tell me you can condemn ANYONE? The man you worship would weep if he heard your tongues spewing such hate. And who are you to worship him? In his eyes, he would have seem himself an idol. He taught the word of HIS FATHER. So this Christianity? Would Jesus have wanted this? As a Jew, did he come to start a new religion, or did he come to promote for the chosen people of God? And if so, you realize you are smacking him in the face... He taught never to worship idols, and what more is Jesus than an idol (to Jesus at least)? So while you sit in your Box, in your clubs, praying for all us sinner who will burn when the rapture comes, I pray for you. I pray you can see there is more to your Box than you know... And even more outside of your Box, and I plead for you to come join us in a quest. A quest to reinvent morality, soul, love, life as we know it. And if you can't join me, then think of W.W.J.D., such a good idea that I think all Christians need to really dig deep into...

Enough about that, and more about... Love. I talked a little bit about Soul last time, and now I will talk about another of my principles, Love, but incorporating it with the other principle of Soul. Love is a part of your soul I feel. The ancient Greeks had a great idea that we were all once a bigger entity, and the Gods became angry, and split us into two separate entities, and sent us on a quest to find our other half. So we search our whole lives, for this other half, no matter what form it comes in. Now that may be a radical idea to accept, but the main idea is still held pretty strong in our culture if you look at it. Now a days we say we are looking for our "soul mate". And I have struggled with the question, "Do you believe in 'soul mates?'", for a very long time, and I think my answer is a very complex yes. I believe that our soul is bonded to many other souls, be it through time spent together, or just a notion of "clicking" with someone,  and ultimately there is one soul that was/is our "other half" if you will. And I believe another part of reaching "nirvana" is spending at least one life with our "soul mate". And I believe you spend plenty together, and the more time you spend together, the closer you mate will come to you in a next life. Souls can just be drawn together in unexplainable ways, and I believe that is how "soul mates" occur.

And if I wasn't literally falling asleep right now, I'd continue writing this... Ha ha... Until tomorrow.

Quick Add On To Previous Post

Definitions! By request I am defining two terms in which I mention, but never actually specify what they are... Sorry. Be it these are in my own words, if you want the technical jargon feel free to look them up, I just felt they'd be better explained/understood in this way.

Middle Way- Gotama's (Buddha) idea of accepting things EXACTLY how they are, nothing more, nothing less. Buddha finds that people suffer much frustration, and it is due to our constant desire (wanting things, both material, and not). So the middle way is leading life to not desire, but not to desire the not desiring to the point in which THAT desire becomes a frustration. To lead a completely middle way life you must accept things exactly as they are, no questions asked, no desires needed, and you will be at peace. 

Nirvana- In Buddhist ideals you'll find that reaching Nirvana as coming to a state of COMPLETE middle-wayedness. You'd then end your rebirthing cycle. Nirvana is often associated with the ENDING of something, hence the ending of the rebirthing, or sometimes thought of as the ending of suffering. But the definition I am using for my own personal thoughts would be "a blissful state attainted by...", however I use the quotations, because the end of that thought is "the realization of no-self" and in my theory it would end with "realization of who's one self (soul/spirit) truly is". So I can not use the word Nirvana, because true meaning of the word defeats my ideations entirely, so I need to find a new word, but am using this word as a make shift for now. 

Finding a belief that sticks.

I have been looking into my heart and mind, and a few books, to see where my "faith" lies. And with much thinking, I have decided to go on my own, and go about this life in a way I find most acceptable to me.

I have a feeling the greater force put us on this earth with a soul (or spirit), and our goal (whether we know it or not) is to search out, push the limits, and grow to understand our soul. Buddhism looks at life in a perspective that reaching "nirvana" is the highest goal, but their definition of "nirvana" doesn't sit quite right with me. Don't get me wrong, I think living a life in the hopes of achieving middle-wayedness is a wonderful way to live life, but just because you've learned to accept things exactly as they are doesn't fly. Gotama had a wonderful thought that desire brings frustration, (and I agree, that leading a middle way lifestyle would solve about 101 problems in my life) but I don't think I could reach my point of "nirvana" until I grew to know my spirit completely. And I desire to know my soul fully, so fully, that I defeat the middle way most of the time. So my question(s) at this point is(are): Do I believe in a "nirvana", and if so how do I define my "nirvana"? And even though I am pro middle way, and support a middle way lifestyle, do I agree with it completely? And can I only practice the middle way at times, or does that defeat the middle way entirely?

I think that most people would say they don't agree entirely with their "faith" or religion. And I find that to be a problem. There are plenty of different definitions of the word religion, but the context I'm using the word in this moment would fall under the interpretation "the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices." So we have a group, lets call the Group A, whom all share a common set of beliefs, and practices. The group grows with time, and some people don't agree with every belief or practice Group a has laid out, why do these people still consider themselves a part of Group A? Why is it tolerable for people to still call themselves a part of something that they are not? Why don't those people call themselves something different? I guess that is how we got Lutherans, etc. but why did that stop? Where are the people sticking up for THEIR thoughts? THEIR set of beliefs and practices? (The answer is living for instant gratification, but that is another time and another day). 

Some would argue that they stay in their religions because those religions state that other religions are "wrong" and that the people in other religions, or "faiths" will "go to hell", so they follow these practices as a way to get to their "nirvana" if you will. Twisted in my eyes sometimes, but their "nirvana" none-the-less. But I have had a wise person tell me once that she believes that there is no "wrong" way. Why can't everyone be "right"? Why can't every religion be "right"? It was such a radical thought for me at the time, that I didn't know if I could accept it. Now I see how "right" SHE was. I believe that every soul can have their own "religion", minus the "group of persons" part, to reach their own state of "nirvana". 

I have a feeling this could go on for about ever, but this is just what has been my mind lately. Just trying to figure myself out a little bit (little means: racking my brain daily, and developing meditational skills to try and achieve more racking of the brain). 

Also update: Step one for me right now is stop abusing myself i.e. stop popping knuckles, picking scabs, picking my lips. It's very hard seeing as I do these things CONSTANTLY throughout my day. But I feel myself improving more and more, getting closer to getting myself to a state of healthiness. 

Noble (Virtuous) Beast (Creature)

Oh Andrew, how much I love you, and this album. I'm stuck on Effigy, it hit me in the ear drums like a smack across the face. I have yet to find out the lady voice, but her's is as delightful as his. I think it's about time for a new mix Cd for the car... Soldier On also a great album of Mr. Bird's. They have sucked me into the world of Andrew all over again, not so bad. =)

On another note, my past few days have been spent looking up places to stay in Branson Missouri! And man oh man am I excited! Cabin camping, 3 days at Silver Dollar City, and a night out on the town! Can't wait.

Also, no. No EP. I need some time to make my music for me. Reinvent myself. From the core to my art, to my music, to my school, to my work, to everything. I am going through a musical intervention right now, going back to the basics. And things that make me truly happy. Music has always shaped my emotions, and I am going to use it now as a tool, to help guide me back to what I want and need from it.

Family and faith

(Photo of Canterbury, England. Where I could be going next year, but am not.)

Today (Three days have past and I still have not finished this blog) was my grandfather's very Catholic memorial service. It had been since Christmas Eve since I had been to A church of ANY kind, let alone mass. I was surprised at how much I remembered, and even more surprised at what I forgot. I do not consider myself a Christian, but being back in there wasn't as bad as I would have thought. Although I didn't hate it, I knew I did not belong. It wasn't a contemporary service, which is probably why I survived so well: the older traditions don't scare me as these new fangled "put your hands in the air and praise Jesus" things. But knowing there were so many people in a room, paying their respects to a great man, in the practice he had followed for so long, was riveting. 

My family. I looked around at us all in the pews, and there we were: Grandma-ma, the seven children, now all grown, and the seven grandchildren. Seven really is a lucky number. We are so great. Every person brings something to the table. 

One person who is quite new to our bunch is Mike (Insert last name, cause I forgot it), my godmother's current boyfriend. He definitely had a rough start with the family, but I had a heart to heart (guitar in my hand, and a cowboy hat on his head) with him, and really like him. Our talk started with the friendly small talk about how I never stop playing, and it led into his buddhist lifestyle. I have been researching buddhist practices, and culture so his conversation was really nice. 

Rethinking conversations I've had, and... I don't know how I fell about them. All I know is people should be who they really are, no matter what people think. I've always said people need to be themselves, and not regret anything, and I've not been doing my best at that.

And that leads into something else. My music. It's always a constant thought in the back of my mind, since I was little that I don't love playing as much as I make it out to be. And my music now... Is it any different? Is there any passion behind the progress I've made? I love playing, I love singing, but do I really want an EP? Do I really care as much as I make out to be? Or is just to impress people? People seem so excited when you say, "Oh yeah, I'm recording... I have a show such a such at blah blah blah... EP this and EP that" But is that me? Or is that someone I've made for myself? I'd love playing with other artists. On the stage, off the stage, but my music, not so much. I love playing for me, but not for others. So why am I about to spend almost 1500 that will not really make ME happy? What would make ME happy is to save part of that, go spend some on art supplies, get back to my art, and spend the rest on a much needed trip to Silver Dollar City. I need help.