Soon to come?

I've given myself a good long time to think about what I want out of my music. I think my problem is really a happy struggle. I love such a large variety of music. There is one simple solution right? Just combine a little from one genre, and little from another... Right? Wrong! The reason I end up liking a band is because of how pure THEIR sound is. Maybe their SOUND, but the way that artist conveys THEIR sound. The sound the artist wants to get across must be distinct, no ifs ands or buts about it. So if I have some folk guitar along with my electro keys, does that equate well? Maybe, if that is the "distinct sound" I want to convey. But it's not. I have mixed emotions about all that music, so it's not distinct at all, it's all wish-washy. So I have taken a long time away to try and find the point I want to make, and it's... NOTHING. I don't want to make a point, I want other people to make a point. I have taken my thoughts about my music from my art; I have no personal sentiment when I paint, I paint so that other people can interpret anything they want, and be completely accurate in their own opinion, so why not make my music the same? So I will. Soon...

Relax, Unwind, and Fall into Place.

Very wise words from Decaf Triple Grande Soy Marble Mocha Macchiato guy. Why I dismissed them that day I don't know. Just like I don't know why I have given up. I have just plain given up on EVERYTHING. Lazy is my first name followed my middle, Apathetic, and finally Grouch. That is who I have become. And I have no idea why it's happened. I could say it's because summer is so unstructured. I could say it's because I lack the alone time I need. But I am the owner of my structure, and my alone time, if I want either, all I have to do is instate the rules to get myself the time, and order I need.

I had literally forgotten everything I was trying for. It's a good thing for little birdies who can whisper things in your ear, when you are blind to what direction you're headed in.

So even though today I read from the Christian "Good Book", to pay my respect to my grandfather, as I stand by his ashes, my tears will be full of joy and pride, not sorrow. He deserves to be wept out of pride, our "Past Commodore". Because you have the choice to recognize the anger in your heart, and act out of it, or you can choose to recognize the joys, and act from them. Now I just have to choose to remember that....

RIP (Papa) James Thompson

So damn tired.

I don't know what it is about death that is so completely exhausting, but I think anyone can agree that it is. Your body becomes a heap of Velcro that subtly attaches itself to your sheets. Your mind slips out your ears as if to run away from the reality of things, which leaves you mindlessly lying around waiting for something to change. And then when it comes time to lay your bag of bones down for the night your mind finds it's way back into your head and keeps you up with gossip, and planning. And you wake up, and after not much of a rest you rip your self of the bed, and hold your head between your knees as if to trap in the little mind you have left, then walk out into the world you've grown to envy, because they are not as tired as you.

Also, this is day 2 and a half without espresso, so yes, I'm a little bitter. My body isn't reacting well at all. But when doc says no caffeine, you obey... I guess...

I'm also find myself incredibly tired of the scenery. I have grown up in St. Louis, and loved it everyday, and still do, but I am lacking the lust for my fair city. I want to travel, and see new things, as I'm sure my human instinct intends. Or maybe I just have such high hopes for the big bright doors that are about to open in front of me. Either way I'm sure tired of this place.

There are plenty of other things I am tired of, however, I am losing interest in this post, and the desire to stay focused on one thing. Maybe I'll try and close my eyes, and drown out the sound of the whispering in my own mind with my new U2 album.

Rinse, Repeat, Run Away.

Monotony is taking over my mind every time I walk in the door of my part time job. I see the same damn people everyday, all of them with the same complaints, thus giving me the same complaints about them. It makes me sick. End rant.

On another note... I've had my house to myself for a week now. Don't get me wrong I miss my family, but I know now how ready I am to be in a place of my own. Even if it is just one single room in a place far away from where I have been. I'm ready to move to my new home. To really start a new. Get away and out of Saint Louis, knowing I most likely won't come back. When I come back to Saint Louis I'll be coming to "Mom's home", my home will be 126 miles away. Or maybe even farther... And my mom can come visit me in MY home. I will have a dinner prepared for her, on MY table. I will shows her around MY town, and tell her the stories about MY budding career. "Come with me, go places" I hope she will follow me wherever I do end up going, because I love her and the rest of my family, but I know that it is time to leave everything behind and run away into the future.

Some Kind of Reflection. Part II

My thoughts this evening rest on many a thing. First is the very obvious need for a new set of "good acquaintances". I have a couple friends I know are my soul mates, people I couldn't get rid of if I tried. But I need people who are willing to sit for hours and actually have a conversation. About the things that are the core of existence. And be open minded enough to keep the conversation a conversation, not let it turn into a debate. Why is that so hard to find people who ACTUALLY want to do that. I know most people want to having meaningful conversations once and a while. But I want to find the people who need those talks. The people who get off on that stuff. I need to find people who thrive to share their REAL thoughts with me. I don't want to stop challenging the boundaries of my soul. I don't want to stifle my curiosity, and thrill for learning, and interest in people, and the way their brains work. Don't get me wrong, everyone needs some time to sit and do absolutely nothing. To just let the stress of their life go some other place. But the people who don't question their everything, and anything are people I am somewhat disinterested in befriending. 

Secondly. I need to write down my theory about The Great Spirit. And dive deeper into my understanding of the afterlife, and of "nirvana". I have been quite apathetic towards my soul growth and search as of late, and I need to remember that that is a very important part of my being, and a large part of what satisfies me. So tonight I graph, draw out models, and take notes down of the thoughts I have stored in my skull. 

Third is my desire to write. Both music, and I don't know. Maybe a short story. I'm so fixated on fiction. Maybe I need to get reading some fiction. I'm always so literal with my lyrics, and I don't want to be. I want to tell a fascinating story, epic, poetic, and completely meaningless so that I don't get angry when people misinterpret my words. I write what I want to convey hear. Or I say it face to face with someone. I want to keep my reality in reality, and focus of the un-factual. The false. I can't let my imagination die at age 18. Far too young. 

So two new projects, focus on my fiction. And document my realities.