I know there must be something more.

My morbid distaste in everything, and mostly myself is growing greater and greater. With everyday I lose not interest, but lust, passion, or even concern for humanity. Sigmund Freud said, "I have found little "good" about human beings on the whole. In experience my most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all." No one really liked(s) Freud, this quote is probably (should probably) be a good indicator as to why. But I could not agree more.

No matter what a person says, does, "believes"- to be true, in, of, etc.- they are ultimately a selfish creature. Now I don't know about most Egoists, but I for one agree with Freud's idea of the Id- the irrational, emotional part of the brain that does not care what is moral, or logical, it just looks for it's desires to be satisfied. It is not an organ we have, not even a medically documented part of a human, just a theory, just like most science can be reduced to, nothing more than a theory... But if you take the time to look around, at the people, around you, next to you, or even yourself, you COULD see the truth.

But people are too scared, we think we're are so evolved from the time Freud walked the planet, but how evolved are we? We no longer TALK to each other, we text, email, aim, a modern communication is evolving yes, but does it make us any better than our forefathers? No. What I'm really trying to get at is- we are still scared to look at the dark, depressing, almost sickening truth that we are SELFISH beings.

We have something inside us all that is programed for OUR survival, pleasure, desire. Why we want what we do is still a mystery to me- "What do we desire? To satisfy our pleasures. What are our pleasures? Our desires." So our Id is so hidden, and such a horrible little thing we choose to ignore it. Because we're scared to recognize the truth. Well I recognize it. I'm selfish. And I'm self absorbed. And just like any one else, I'm sickened by it.

All I know is (or all I truely have any faith in at all is) that we are all creatures of the Id, of our own self-interest. So should we deny it? Some would call a world in which we gave in to our world Hell. Anarchy and chaos are also two very generous words you could use? Maybe all our theories, religions, and the gift of love are all given to humans as coping mechanisms. Maybe we are doomed to fight an epic battle with our own nature. All I can say is (but only mean half-heartedly) ignorance is bliss. Just like most things in life we must use little white lies to skate by...

Touched by an angel

Classes have started, which of course means new ideas are floating around my head. And as alway I trudge on in my "travels" through my mind, and soul, to find out who I am, and what I believe.

So let's look at things in three major sets of study: Sociology- the study of the development, structure, and functioning of human society, Psychology- The scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those effecting behavior, and Philosophy- The study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality, and existence.

I have a large fascination with each of these areas of study, for those of you who don't know, my major is Psychology, and my minor is Sociology. My education in these two subjects is formal, and my research of Philosophy is a informal, personal kind.

What I have been learning about myself in each of these areas is both exciting, and frustrating. There are such a plethora of different views in each of these studies, and they each offer such great ideals, but some (and most are so conflicting). So some things to look forward to:

1) Constructionism- view that Social Deviance is only defined by social context

2) Psychological Egoism- view that individuals are always motivated by self interest, even in acts of altruism.

3)Psychoanalytic Vs. Phenomenological based Personality Psychology- aka. unconscious psychic energy vs. world (personal) experience in the importance of forming a person's personality

But just as they are conflicting in the studies, they are conflicting in my head... So I must research further...

Beautiful Ideals.

I think that moving should require a blog, right? It seems blog-worthy.

Well for starters, I am home sick. I didn't realize just HOW MUCH I rely on having my family with me there every second. I love them so much, it's not that they were there to DO anything for me, but just BEING THERE was so important...

Now I'm "independent" and "growing up". That usually feels great, but right now, it's just plain scary. I'm sure that is normal and natural, but for me, it's not what I expected of myself. I'm strong when it comes to these things, or at least very good at acting that way, but right now, I'm scared and wimpy.

I had a multitude of conversations focussing on fear, and the importance of it. Many people think of fear as a bad thing. A negative, or a barrier. I think of fear as a tool that can be misused as a weapon if you let it. But for me, this fear that I have, of responsibility, age, classes, career, loneliness, emptiness, vulnerability, money, etc. can motivate me to stay away from these things. Some people would argue that "fate" has it all planned out anyway, that a supreme being has the ultimate play book all written down, so "living in fear" is trivial. That it isn't up to YOU, but that is their belief not mine. I follow my cognition of free will. I can use my brain that that same "supreme being" gave me to DECIDE to not spend too much, get out and talk to new people, study hard. That I give thanks for. So I will embrace my fear as a friend, not foe, and help him to keep me grounded, and motivated.

So all in all, yes, I'm a bit sad, but this is a positive thing. Humans are made to desire both change, a constancy nd, and create a balance between the two. I now have my change, and a large one at that, and I can create a new constant. This can be my new, and constant. What a beautiful ideal.

Medication

I know one of my previous posts was about just this, but weeks have past, and I've had a full circle revelation. I need to start BEING again. I need to be thinking about the now. I am such a goal/plan oriented person, which I've never seen as a problem, but that lifestyle leads to so much disappointment. You just set yourself up time after time to fail, because I set my goals so high, or plan so extravagantly, and as a Virgo I don't do well when my plans don't fall into place. So without letting go of making plans, and setting goals, because I do truly believe in balance above most things, and think you need a bit of both, I will start the art of letting go, and just being. So hard for me to do, but after a very good conversation with one of my favorite conversationalists, I remembered my own words, thoughts, and values: Decisions.

Decision is one of the many gifts we humans under appreciate. How many other living things can go through the process of deciding, between right and wrong, what is best for them, what color they favor? We as humans can decide for OURSELVES things that not every other living creature can. It is what gives us free will. A gift, again, under appreciated.

But in the past few months I have been under appreciating these gifts. I have been wallowing in stress, greed, and judgement. When really I have the choice to stay in the state of anger, or do something for myself to change my attitude. I can make excuses to delay my decision making, but why? Why do humans prefer to let there unhappiness enfold them rather than make the effort, decide to be happy. Is it really that hard? Is it a thing of pride? Or are we such a lazy breed that we'd rather wallow that shine? As for me, I will try to avoid my human nature, and make the conscience decision to be happy.