If you send me a signal

I will go run and hide

I see your lights, they’re flashing

Time to bid the day goodbye

I look to the sky and

Watch the blue fade to grey

I hear your echo cracking

I find no comfort in staying

I will not know yo

And your unkind face

I will not know you

Today

As I seek shelter from your beating

I listen to the cry of the trees

I feel no shame inside here

In my safe escape

If you come again, please remember

You catch more bees with honey, than this vinegar

Try and steer clear of this commune

I will wait this out once again.

I will not know you

And your unkind face

I will not know you

Today

And in my fear I bow to your majesty

You fury will always haunt me

As you crash through the forest and the trees

All I ask is that you spare me

Spare me

Within You

I find it a very troublesome situation that looking back a couple of short months ago I was writing and writing, no problems. I was writing enough to have a good size set list, to have too many songs to choose which ones to put on an EP. Looking back I try to see what part of me has changed, grow, or disappeared and left me in this position. I for the first time feel completely un-creative. I have ideas, but they are never what I really want to create, never what I agree with whole heartedly. "So create what you want already, and stop complaining!", you say. Well, I've been trying, and anything that comes out, in whichever media is the choice of the moment, is garbage. I feel as if I don't fully feel enough, what it is that I'm living, loving, and believing, to accurately portray it through the means that make me satisfied. So how do I fix it? How do I start feeling "this" -whatever "it" is I should be feeling at the moment- in such a way to end this drought of creation?

Even writing this annoys me. I feel no real sense of creative-expression, even though I know no other way to be expressing my thoughts. Plain and simply I lay out my thoughts, but it seems so dissatisfying. This case of writers block is crossing the bridge from frustrating, to stifling. I need some kind of change for the better.

You must be an elusion, can I see through you?

Metaphysics. My first lesson on the subject happened today, it lasted a total of 14 minutes and was rushed through because it was the last 14 minutes of the period. Already I can tell this is going to be a semester of exponential growth for my love of self discovery, and curiosity for the subject philosophy.

The past three nights I have been broadening myself to a different era of music than my ears and mind are used, while still maintaining my usual playlist. We have a mixture of Grateful Dead, and Animal Collective, Jimi Hendrix, and Minus The Bear, The Beatles, and Yeasayer. This is also leading into a better attitude and mindset to this upcoming 5 months.

Over all I'd say I'm more than stimulated and intrigued, and in other words prepared for the new semester. Academically, emotionally, inter/interapersonally, musically, and financially I walk with a strong stride down the sidewalks of what is about to be the present, and is presently my future. SO much excitement is built up, and I think it's for a good cause.

Inside This Rusted Train

A lot of my focus lately has been going to one thing lately- Moving. I know that I have a solid three years left in Columbia, but I feel like these three years are just one giant prerequisite to what comes after. I know a lot of people are afraid of getting to the point where they have so much responsibility it's terrifying, but all I find my self thinking about is how nice it sounds to be able to provide for myself. I know that I really don't have any idea of just HOW much responsibility will pile up on my lap, and at the speed of light. As these three years dwindle I'm sure I'll get a better idea of just how big that pile will be, and it will become even more intimidating. One thing I have learned from my life so far, is how most things that are intimidating are really great (great is in notable, remarkable, and exceptionally outstanding- not "nifty") and they demand a certain level of respect. Not only will the responsibility demand a level of respect from me, but in respecting that responsibility I demand respect from myself. It's not that I don't have anxieties about the load that I will carry, it is instead the thirst for that respect, and the humbleness I've seen come from such respect that my excitement blooms from. So looking to four years from now, I do have have goals, and aspirations, but I can't be sure of what really will come to be. It is these goals that give me structure, and direction to achieve the respect I choose to demand from myself. So, what seems like fantasy, and unrealistic dreams for the future are more than just playing pretend. These goals are what I base everyday off of. Only you can choose what direction to take everyday (some would argue that it is not YOU choosing, but for the sake of this organization, and simplicity I will leave my combat to this absent), only you have the power to set your goals, choose your attitude, and the words that convey who you are, how you feel, and others should feel about you. I do all of these things with my goals in mind, because my goals are just as much a part of me, as my attitude, words, etc. And in doing this I know I'm on the road to showing myself the respect I deserve, and in doing that I've made the people who I most care about proud of me. All in all- respecting yourself in the way that I tried to express here is a really wicked thing. Just remember to give that same respect to others around you, that is my next challenge to myself.

Ends and New Beginnings

So it's the end of my first semester at a University, and where do I stand? Happy? Proud? More like anxious- for the future.

This semester let me see just how good I can do. My grades are fantastic, my job is great, my finances are running a bit low, but only because I've almost finished off paying for MY first car. Pride. It's taken a good long time to take a look in the mirror and say, "Wow, you've done good", and know that it's true. Not only that but as always I've made new friends, and new friends always bring new insight to you worldview. Not only have my new acquaintances taught me much, but so did my courses. As always learning, always drives me to love learning that much more. My religious/spiritual, learning, my worldviews, my person growth is so important, and everyday I roll out of bed I know that that day will be an important part in the growth. Something I've learned even more this semester.

But even with the good things, the grass is always greener on the other side. Nest semester my classes look even better, my coworkers are getting closer to me, my income will be higher, and chances are I'll learn even more. Then there's next year, and I could go into my excitement for that, but that's another blog in and of itself. But really my anxiousness is one of optimism. For once I look to my future with confidence that I've set myself up to go far, with a great team at my side- My family. They're the rocks that have built my foundation.

My father is a man of passion. He's always been the antagonist in the story of my life, but his sternness has broke me, which gave me a place to be rebuilt. His harsh words will never be forgot, but his passion is what me inspires me. Sometimes I feel the strength that he holds in his words coming out of my mouth, and filling my lungs with fury, and excitement. He's also taught me the consequences of "failure", what it means to fully please someone, how important image is, and how harsh the "real world" can be. All of these lessons came at a price, but because of that I will never forget them.

My mother was the women who picked me up when I was broken, and held me up, and I started my journey of reinvention. She gave me shelter, and the words of pride even when I thought I was not worthy. There was never a time when my mother turned her cheek to me, in every hard time she held strong, and guided me- My lighthouse in the storm. She taught me to laugh. She to me to cry. She taught me to hug. She taught me to welcome, to wave, to say hello to a new face. She taught me love unconditionally. These are the things that make me "just like my mother" so everyone says. The single most beautiful compliment I can get.

My Dave. My "bonus" Dad. We have had our quarrels, but they are few in comparison to the times we've had our joys. Dave has taught me reason, logic, and choice. "You have to choice to be angry, or be happy" he once said to me, I never understood that, because I was a daughter of a passionate man who acted purely on instinct. Now when I begin to fume I at least hear his words blurring through my mind. He has been my be hind the scenes savior. My mother gets all of the credit usually for my rough patches, but really my "bonus" dad has talked me through so many problems, and taught me how to deal with these problems, and walk out feeling at least honest and true to myself at the end of it all. He has become one of my best friends.

My sister is my inspiration. I remember her first writing, it was some unreasonable age that no small child should be writing, but I knew that day that she was going to be brilliant. Since then she's become the smartest, most talent, beautiful young lady, and I try so hard to keep her young in my mind, but she is growing into a woman so fast it scares me. At age 12 she is the youngest age she can be to be singing in the St. Louis Children's Choir's group of children who sing with the St. Louis Symphony, and last night she did just that, with a smile ear to ear. And I smiled ear to ear with pride. I will be getting vocal lessons very soon in her honor. If at her age she can be balancing two choirs, swim team, getting good grades in middle school, and maintaining a social life, I think I should be doing everything in my power to work just as hard as she is.

These people are the foundation of my being, and they are what will keep me going as I take my steps into the future with the new family members that will come to grow closer than ever. These are the steps I feel so ready to take. Finally I am CONFIDENT in myself, and need no one else's approval to take these steps, because I am ready. I know it. I've grown into who I am, and am ready to let that person flourish, and leave the past behind me.

Huckabees Schmuckabees

A piece of writing for a change...

My sight is literally clearer. For the past several weeks I have begun to see leaves on the trees, the way the fog slowly creeps, the definition of the grey vs. whites in the clouds. My car floats across the pavement. I am stopped and airborne. Cars zoom by as I embrace my new eyes, stopped in body and mind, my only focus- the beating of my heart and new eyes. WAKE UP! Green light, must stay in this world, stop drifting away, start living again. Living like they all do. Zoom, I turn left and become a part of the zoom too. Airborne I glide down the two lane road. Trees, God look at the leaves so many. Are they real? Am I real? Am I the tree? Body and my drift away. I fall apart into the infinity of my car, the pavement, the sidewalk, the grass, the tree trunks, branches, leaves, blue sky, the Universe. I melt into my beautiful death of this world. WAKE UP! Stop sign. This is getting scary, my body lives in this world, so I must abide by it's rules. I must stay awake. Am I falling asleep at the wheel, or waking up in the real? I know it's not the helper because I haven't visited today. So am I just this enlightened? What is this? What am I thinking? I am alone. I am crazy. No one could understand this. If you do, if you're out there, and you know my questions too, find me out. WAKE UP! You're conscience and still ignoring the rules. Assimilate, quickly, you must preform your body's duties soon, you must speak your native tongue. Hello. Yes sir. No sir. Goodbye. Dead inside to this new world. I want to go back. But not until tomorrow. How lost am I? Someone save me, because I'm drowning, disappearing, and loving it.

Show me something good.

I know I have been "fixated" (ha ha, Freud pun... cough cough... sorry) with Freud lately, but he really has opened my mind. Very very far... Almost too far? I just seem to be crazy. But I like it! I like thinking the way I do. As Jung once said, "It would be easier if I knew nothing... But I know too much from my own experiences..." Now that quote might not make sense to everyone, and even sound very conceited when trying to explain it. Everyone has gotten that feeling, the "light bulb" feeling, where something just dawns on you! AHA! You have it! But no one else seems to get it, or you, at all. How could THAT make any sense?! But YOU know, YOU have it all figured out, and at that moment, you feel angry for your peers for shooting you down, and even proud of yourself for out smarting them.

Now I use Jung's quote because he makes a very valid point, once you've experienced something you can undo that experience (unless you want to counter that with a debate of repression, or denial.. In which case I side with you anyways, but for the time being let's go with the flow I have), like that "light bulb". I have had a "light bulb" experience, and I can't go back. Plus, he has the same attitude towards this knowledge I have just obtained. It would be easier to not know, to not have had my "light bulb" experience, because now I have a set of opinions that COMPLETELY deviates from socially excepted ways of thinking through things. Alas, I had the "light bulb", so I will accept it, after all acceptance is the first step right?

Now... Let's dive into my mind. If you are at all familiarized with Freud I'm sure you have at least heard the words ID, EGO, and SUPEREGO.

Freudian Views- To make things a bit easier think of them as the three little controllers of your brain.

Id (the it)- The CORE of you as a person. Has only the power to wish for things, but wishes for only things that bring it pleasure, usually selfish, and or terrible things.

Ego (I)- The problem solver of the three. He has the power to plan, but suffers great anxiety, because he has to mediate between the Id and SuperEgo.

SuperEgo (the Over I, watches over the I)- a harsh judge of everything you do. Only men have the SuperEgo do to castration anxiety, which is a LOAD of poop. But whatever, everyone has their flaws, so did Freud, big time.

My views- Note that I don't view my three as little controllers.

Id- The primal instincts you are born with, after all humans are only mammals. You could say that you desires (SELF-INTEREST for later use) are located here. Very similar, but not the same as Freud's view I see this as the BASE of a person, but not the CORE. It is not the pleasure that excites it, but the satisfaction of a desire, or something in your self-interest.

The following to I find grouped together. They share the reasoning why you don't always act on the Id's desires, but are merely tools we use, and can choose to not use.

Ego- Your common sense and rationality. The reasoning behind why we don't always act on our desires.

SuperEgo- the moral code(s) you hold, based on personal beliefs, philosophies, religions, and so on.

Now Freud would have a fit if he saw my view. But it just makes sense! Please tell me you don't have three out of the three. You can't! You ARE a mammal! You DO have the power to use rational. And you have SOME KIND of moral code.

Now that you have taken a look at my views of the id, ego, and superego, I can make it to my next point... Freud as a hedonist. Hedonism is a philosophy in which pleasure is the ultimate importance to a person. And what would Freud say about this? "Why of course! That's what I've been saying all along!"- You'd probably think so, but I think Freud would have found something argue about, say- That is of ultimate importance to the ID and that we STILL didn't get it. Now Freud may argue that, but in my eyes, Freud turned hedonism into a science, after all, that is what psychology is isn't it? A SCIENCE. See where the line between philosophy and psychology is now? Yeah, neither do I... (but that's a whole other story).

So Freud's a hedonist, eh? So where do I fall? Well you could say me and Ayn Rand would get along better since I find the ego, in the sense of rationality so darn important. This is because she was a rational egoist, which is the belief that it is only RATIONAL to do what is in you self-interest, which really is what you desire (go ahead and take a look at my views of the id right about now). Or maybe not. I'd call myself a Psychological Egoist which is the belief that people are always motivated by self-interest. You as a human have desires, but sometimes act against them... Why? I say because it's you SuperEgo telling you it's a dark primal instinct, and that it would go against your morals. You have used that tool, and satisfied a moral code of yours. Ah ha! A satisfaction! So even though you are doing good, your SuperEgo is still just a tool you can use to satisfy a desire of moral. Does this mean that the SuperEgo could have a negative connotation? Why yes! In certain, and in my eyes, most or all, cases the SuperEgo is just as guilty as the Id. So you altruists keep it to yourself, I know your SuperEgo's enjoying this just as much as the Id enjoys when you eat WAY too much chocolate cake (I know it's a lame example, but it's publicly exceptable).

Now I know you've been reading for a while, but bare with me a couple lines longer...

Creation! What a wonderful thing! Freud created this theory of the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo (Also known as the Drive Structure Model for you curious cats), how, or why I'll never know. How I have created mine? Just as mystified with myself as I am Freud. So when people tell me "You can't just pull things out of thin air! You can't make something up!" (I've had just a FEW people say that to me now) I say why not? The most brilliant people in the history of man kind have MADE SOMETHING UP! They've all created theories, of their own. And that is what has made them famous, historical and brilliant. My best argument to that statement is this- There once was a human who thought up God. Just "made him up" ? Did the theory of God exist before man thought it? No. Yes? Which came first the chicken or the egg? You believe chicken, I believe egg, because I can prove chicken exists. Not saying I don't believe in a God, or higher power, but when looking at the facts, there ARE humans... Just a thought... Ha ha, case in point.