Okay... So, many things on my mind tonight... And I think I really am going to try and get EVERYthing out.
A) Anger/Rage. I need not go into enormous detail, because no one needs to hear about how angry a person is, it weighs you down. But I guess to generalize a bit... I am feeling bitter because I am lonely. I miss the one I love more than I can focus on anything else. It's distracting. But I feel it's necessary sensation. Jealousy. Of strangers. And resentment toward them. Resentment towards friends because of feelings of neglect, and falsifications. A fake face forever... Never changing, but constantly rearranging.
B) Music. I am really trying here. I have been writing more. Things I like more. This leads to problems though... I have more songs to choose from to put on the inevitable EP. I have my classics, i.e. Rose Petals at Noon Time, Closest to Perfect, Mississippi in the Fall, and the many neglected songs... New songs... Covers... How the hell are you supposed to decide? And do I add to them, or leave them alone, the way the are? Every band/artist has a look, a feel, something that defines them, what the fuck am I? How do I look? How do I sound? Do I choose my image, or does it fall into place on it's own? And my "recording engineer"/"producer" scares the shit out of me. We had a trust discussion. I know I need to trust him. But he is so new, and his whole set up is so new. But so am I. And I know he has got to be having trouble trusting me. You need good credit, and a little insurance which neither of us have to offer each other yet. But I do feel good things will come from this endeavor, even thought I can feel people criticizing my decisions. And the lack of support is killing me. I am someone who needs a lot of validation. And the people who I need this validation from seem to over look how much this entire situation means to me... How do I keep this in check? How do I know boundaries? I feel so alone, and there is no one to advise me. The people [Person(s)] I thought would be the most eager to help I feel invisible and trivial to (See Anger/Rage). Money all ties into this. What doesn't it tie into? I just don't want to blow this all on something that might not ever come to be. Music has been there my entire life, and only when it is my music on my terms do I feel like music is working well. And now I feel like I have an opportunity to turn that into something that could lead to success, or at least a little self gratitude. All I'm saying here is, I'm scared, excited, and feel completely alone in this.
C) Life Vs. Death. I have been having a lot of strange things happening. A lot of feelings. If you have ever met someone who is superstitious, you know how much they bank on their feelings, rather than facts. I saw something that will forever scar me. I felt things from a thing , a place, that make me worry. I heard things that made my skin crawl. I've faced a suicidal friend, head on, and made what seems like no impact, which is so disturbing. I can not explain the amount of guilt knowing that a friend seems like a stranger in the greatest time of need. I had nothing to say, or do... I felt hopeless, and useless. I failed. Somehow by the grace of a higher power, she found solace. Not me, but more friends who are now strangers. And you question so much when that time rolls around. What kind of life are you living that you can't give a person to stay here, are you a bad person? I know why I am here, but I don't know why someone else should? How does that make me? I reached some higher plane and feel different now. I feel like there is a secret soul living within me, telling me to search. For what I do not know...
D) Love. I love her so much. I never thought I could love a person, or thing, or feeling, as much as I love her. All I can think about most of the time is, when I can see her next, what we will do, our future, getting married, growing old. We have faced many challenges which our circumstances, but we have stayed together. When it feels like the whole world is against us I remember the way I feel, what we have been through, how it is to sleep with her in my arms. My mother has reached a place of acceptance, and I can only hope and pray the others that I have yet to tell can be as loving and understanding. Roughly 126 miles seems a great deal at times, but a rocks throw at others... Right now, a million light years away. But a few more days and I will be the place I hope to someday call my home.
E) Religion. I don't know. What to think? Who to believe? How I feel? I know I need to do some research. And soul search. I still pray. Every night. To the same God as I always have. He has always treated me well, and when times seem dark, a silver lining comes along at some point. So partially out of fear, and partially of gratitude I will keep praying.
So I guess that is enough for tonight... We'll see if I can muster up some more for tomorrow...
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