Nobody said it was easy...

...I'm going back to the start. Wow. Online writing, it has been... A while. I missed it. Truly I have. But I feel this new weight upon me. It urges me not to write. My feelings our mine. And sometimes silence is a virtue that doesn't turn the other cheek when sinned upon. Being here, writing things down, listening to an oldie of my dearest Coldplay. It just floods in terrible memories of the person I used to be. 

Solitude. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy. For the past few months that word, and several others have completely changed me. To the core. Values I once thought could never waver, now bow down at my self control. "I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion." Of course Thoreau would understand. God gave me a life to live. And I will live it. To the fullest. But I still need to figure out what way to go about that. With a larger company you feel that you have obtained something great, and this sincerely validates your sense of worth. But lately I feel that in smaller groups I have time to savor the taste of any thing good. Including my time spent alone. Sometimes I feel the my resentment of solitude is only a self built idle I've designed, because it's seems no one should like to be alone. But why? Why can't you love yourself enough to savor your own company? When did that become out dated? 

Love. A second word. A word that I had such a lust for. I craved it. I wanted to devour it the minute it became mine. I searched. And I played when I didn't find it. But even while I played, something was always lacking. Which is why I felt so much dark. So much hate. Mainly towards myself. Playing is fun, but in the end it's not what feeds the hungry. Love came. It snuck up on me, and consumed me. It devoured me whole. And it didn't let me catch it, it caught me. Something that had never happened. I was a sinking tug boat in a storm. Thank god for the coast guard. Now I am fully settled in the bliss of this one small word. I will never leave it behind. The fight makes me know that it is worth it. Knowing I have something to fight for, something I have never been more sure of in my life, gives me a hope. A hope I have never thought I could have inside me. I finally have a solid. A backbone to my life. 

I could rave about certain anxieties, but I am going to leave this first post as is. Plus, I am so tired my eyes could quite possibly fall out of their sockets any minute now.